Fighting our inner battles

Occupying time with God's handiwork can take our minds off of nearly anything.

Do you ever feel lonely even when you're in a crowd--or even when you are around people whom you love and who love you? Nearly everyone has some kind of hidden trials that we don't know about. I guess mine is that feeling of loneliness. I've tried to pinpoint it. I'm a great one for self-analysis. I know that my decision to leave the LDS faith three years ago has left me somewhat isolated from people I love--even those who are closest to me. There are possibly other reasons that I can't identify. I was experiencing loneliness prior to leaving the LDS faith. I think in a way, that's my cross to bear so to speak. My thorn in the flesh. Others have trouble with depression or anger management or any number of things. I think most of us have heard the saying, "Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." (attributed to various people including Plato, but it looks like the original source is Ian Maclaren)
I need to remember that. The truth of it was forcefully put into my mind when I watched the 2017 film Wonder a few days ago. Told from various character's points of view, it shows emphatically how everything isn't always as it appears on the outside, or from one person's vantage point. Each person in that story had their own feelings and reasons for doing things the way they did. In real life it is that way.
I don't know if my feelings of loneliness will ever go away. It is my challenge. I sometimes forget about it when I get intensely interested in something. It happens for long moments as I'm driving and looking at the countryside. I think if I could travel more frequently, get outside with my wife Ann, or some friends and just do something that kept me occupied, then I could keep those feelings at bay for longer periods of time.
And that's likely the same with you who have your own feelings of loneliness, anger, or frustration. The key is to live in the moment and not dwell on what gives you those feelings. It's an involvement of self in things that thrill you, interest you, and enthrall you--occupying the space in your heart and mind where the feelings that make you sad take up room.
I like to think that more focusing on the needs of others helps with that too. I'm sure it helps with the welfare of the human soul. I will keep my wolf howling in the light of the full moon as my background image on my Facebook page. It reflects partially who I truly am. However, I know that my Lord may see fit to remove that image from my heart and mind, in his own timing. Until then, I will ask him to help me deal with it, and I will do as much of what I have found to be a relief of symptoms, even if not an all-out cure.
Just rest assured that we are all fighting a hard battle. Really. My goal is to treat you as if you were, with kindness and love.

Care for the caregivers

In writing on this subject, I run the risk of sounding like I'm complaining. And yet, I feel the need to open the eyes of people to situations they may have under their very noses, within their own family circle or conclave of friends.
Among the vast throngs of people existing on this planet, there is a group of people, scattered across the globe, who are called “caregivers” or “care partners”. I heard the latter terminology used by Jennifer Brush and Kerry Mills, authors of a book called I Care:  A Handbook for Care Partners of People with Dementia. That being said, caregivers or care partners, whichever terminology you prefer, involve a wide range of people caring for others with a wide range of challenges.The challenges may be mental disorders, such as Alzheimers or other forms of dementia, or those for whom care is given may have physical challenges for which the causes are myriad. In my case, I am caring for my wife Ann, who seven years ago, was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Sjogrens Disease, and Fibromyalgia. Those of us who are caregivers do not think of ourselves as angels or saints, or anything of the kind. Personally, I am an ogre on a frequent basis. Most of us are just people thrust into a situation they never wanted to deal with, but who are doing the best they can. In most cases we are barely hanging in there.
For the past few months of this year—since January actually—Ann has been in some extreme difficulty, which has required much more of my time. Before that, she was able to get out of the house on her own, make her own meals, and pretty much take care of herself. Since January, she is debilitated to the point where she cannot shower without help, often requires assistance when using the bathroom, cannot stand long enough to get her own meals, and cannot drive herself anywhere. As you can imagine, this has put a huge burden on me to help her with those things.
Since I am not old enough to be retired, I work a forty-plus (usually in the non-Christmas time of year it's around 45) hour week at the U.S. Postal Service as a letter carrier. Our daughter Rebecca, and her husband Justin, along with their four children live in our home. Justin works outside the home, and has a heavy schedule both at work, and doing things for his LDS church calling. There is a level of dysfunctionality within their family and while I'm at work, Ann receives sporadic care. I make sure she is fed breakfast before I leave, and I put her lunch in a small cooler. When I come home, I get dinner ready—or pick it up somewhere—it has become harder and harder for me to have the desire or energy to actually make dinner—and then spend the remainder of most nights at home with her. She has been home watching something on television all day, or sometimes reading, and is bored. I then become the entertainment by playing board games several nights a week, or watching something with her.
While I love spending time with Ann, there are certain chores that need to be done, such as lawn mowing, weeding, and even stuff inside the house like washing walls, scrubbing floors, and cleaning bathrooms. Going to the store for needed groceries becomes a challenge because there is a certain amount of guilt placed on me when I hear Ann's words, “you're leaving me again?” Even going to lunch with a friend or attending church meetings are filled with guilt trips for desertion. All of these chores and activities get postponed or not done at all because of Ann's need for companionship. Busywork, such as contacting my medical insurance for forms, or getting reimbursed by my Flexible Spending Account get pushed aside so that I can meet Ann's immediate needs. I believe these things are common among caregivers and that I am not alone.
I have the added challenge of the other family members who live in my house not totally functioning, and I end up having to clean more (and other great challenges) because of that than I would were they to move out. However, Ann is insistent that they remain with us until she can care for herself, despite their limited contribution. If they were fully functioning, they would be a great help, instead of an extra burden, which I would welcome, wholeheartedly.
One of my personal challenges and one that is common to caregivers, is caregiver burnout. It takes a lot out of a person to care for another constantly. Breaks are needed. Those of us who appear to be “handling” it well, are often not doing as well as we should, or even could be. I am strong. Very strong. I make it a point to not whine and I try to put a positive spin on things. I blog excitedly about my adventures, and I use my sense of humor frequently. To outsiders, or even sometimes close friends and family members, this can look like I'm doing okay, so no need to help. The stark reality is though, that us caregivers desperately need those close to us to step in, often without being asked, and lend a hand.
When Ann first came home from the hospital in January, some of the people from the church I attend offered to help. At that time, I turned it down, largely because I was embarassed that we even needed it considering we had family living with us who were able-bodied and should be shouldering the load. Nobody from outside really knows how dysfunctional our household is, and it's actually not easy to explain to people. I am reminded of these words from the book of James: “If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?” (James 2:15-16)
In the past, I have used hiking and other activities to get myself a break from the caregiving. This year, because Ann took a turn for the worse, I have been able to get out far less than in the past. I have been afraid to schedule anything with anyone because of the times when I've had to call and cancel because Ann's needs were acute at the time the activity was supposed to take place. I think these kinds of things are common to other caregivers as well. Yet we caregivers need to take care of ourselves if we are to continue taking care of our loved ones. One thing I've been able to do on a fairly consistent basis is get to the gym. I go on my way home from work. I think stopping home first would keep me from going back out. What I could really use is a few days away from things, just to rejuvenate. I just don't see that happening. What would really be a blessing would be for Ann to get well enough that she could do many things for herself again. I think that will happen some day, but it's a slow process.
Another thing that caregivers are often challenged with is companionship. In many cases it becomes one-sided. One can give, and one cannot. It isn't the fault of the one being cared for, but it is a reality for many and hard to deal with. I have no idea what the solution is, but just being mindful of that challenge is a big help.
So my plea is for those who love the caregivers and those they care for to be aware of what's happening, not just visibly, but behind the scenes as well. And take some time from your busy lives to pitch in for a day or two a month. You will be blessing the lives of others, and the Lord will bless you for it.
One thing I think I have going for me that perhaps many other caregivers don't is that I always believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel—even if I can't currently see it, I know it's there. And I know that God is helping me endure and survive, and eventually wear the victor's crown.

Now, I hope that looked more like explaining than complaining. All you folks have an amazing day!

Family Christmas party a great success

We had our Roe family Christmas party this afternoon and it was great seeing everyone. Our gift exchange this year was supposed to be homemade gifts and after one of my friends suggested it, I set about making a wreath. First I viewed a video on youtube on how to make one, then I gathered the materials and started in. I admit that I'm not crafty, and barely artistic and so much needed input from my wife, Ann (who is highly artistic), helped to put things in the right place on this thing. She also took some pictures of the initial stages of the creating, with me in them, but that camera has since been lost, before I could get those pics downloaded. Anyway, here's the finished project that my daughter-in-law, Marie, ended up with:

Yes, I hung it from my guitar rack to get a good pic. I think it turned out okay for mostly being done by a rank beginner. I will admit though that it was Ann's idea where to place the little seed heads beneath the bow and she tied the bow and wired it on.  I like the way it turned out and I'm glad someone will be using it. There were many great and imaginative gifts at our party. I won't be making a lot of wreaths or other crafts in the near future, but I learned something and wouldn't have thought of it on my own.

Remember: the most important things in life aren't things

I had some visitors tonight. I like visitors, for the most part, and these guys are my friends. I appreciate it whenever friends stop by, even if I'm about to leave, though if I'm about to leave I feel bad that I can't visit long enough. See, the way I look at it is people are the most important things to spend time with on any given day.
And, though I spent a lot of time today getting various tasks done (it was my day off), I did some things I felt I personally needed to do. I went to the gym early in the morning for the first time this week. I was able to do my treadmill run for cardio, but I ran out of gas when I tried to do my strength training exercises. This month has taken its toll on my physically, but then I knew it would and that's part of the reason I keep working out to be prepared for times like this.
I also took my 4runner over to the shop for a tune-up and oil change, then walked home. That was exercise. Then later on, I walked back to get it--more exercise. The place is only .4 miles away, so no big deal.
Early in the morning I was looking up wind chomes, I mean chimes, for a possible Christmas present. I found some that might work, but they are supposed to remind one of a meadowlark and I'm not quite sure they do. Here's the link: you can judge for yourself.
I went to an antique store and browsed around searching for that one gift that would be well thought out, to no avail. I ordered flowers for Ann's birthday which is this Saturday, I shopped at a candy store. I cleaned out a slow drain, made dinner and filled the dishwasher. Yet the most important thing I did all day was when I spent time with people. Spend time with those you love. They can leave unexpectedly. The things we wish we would have said to them, sometimes have to go forever unsaid. Don't make the mistake of waiting too long to say them.

The Fireworks Fizzle

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I won a drawing for a huge package of fireworks. I was very excited to finally break into them and put on a show for the family who were going to come over for the 24th...a state holiday in Utah honoring Utah's pioneer heritage.
We had a fun time with our dinner and visiting, though if  I did it again, I'd bag the idea of using pre-made boxed hamburger patties, and use fresh ground beef to make our own patties. Those from that box tasted like cardboard. All the other food was good though, and we topped it off with our first attempt at home-made chocolate peanut butter gelato, along with tried and true vanilla ice cream in the hand-crank ice cream maker.
Then came time for the fireworks display. I could tell that many of the items in the package were fountains, but as I got further into it, I found that there wasn't a single firework in the entire package (suggested retail value $1000) that shot up into the air. Now some fountains can be cool, but they can get boring after a while. I should've realized it and figured it out sooner, only I kept believing that amongst this huge package, at least some of them would shoot into the sky. Unfortunately no. We shot off about half the package before everyone got bored...the grandkids had stopped watching at least twenty minutes before the end and had begun chasing each other around the yard. Several other people in the crowd were watching the sky rockets being shot off in the neighborhood, instead of the fountains in front of our house. Still I had to remind myself that I hadn't spent a dime on these things, and that those people who kept shooting things up in the air had spent a bunch of money to do it. It was a small consolation, but I learned that bright packaging doesn't mean that it's all it's cracked up to be.
So, I have half of them left. I can't think of a time when I'm going to want to watch a bunch of fountains. I'm thinking of selling them on KSL in the next day or two. And then I'll buy with the proceeds, at least one firework that will shoot up into the air and go "boom", for New Year's Eve.
All in all though it was great to be with my family members and have them all able to come. That's a rarity these days and I'm extremely grateful for it.

Mt. Raymond attempt 3

Today I went on a hike up Mt. Raymond with my brother, Mike. I made the decision to go to Mt. Raymond, since I thought it would not have as much snow on it as it has on one of my previous trips when I didn't make it to the top. And, Mike left it up to me to choose.

Here's a pic of Mike, btw, on the trail:

I should've thought that maybe a little snow had accumulated up top during the previous wet, rainy week down in the valley, but I was unprepared for the amount that had accumulated.

The trail was beautiful, however, if a tad muddy. Here's some of the scenery we saw along the way:

When we got up to the saddle between Gobblers Knob and Mt. Raymond, Mike decided that he'd had enough because of a hip injury that had been plaguing him. He volunteered to wait for me if I wanted to make it the rest of the way up. I wanted to try it and did so. The ridge going up to the top starts out wide, then narrows down, becoming knife-edged near the top. The further up I got, the more snow there was. Another guy and his two teenaged sons were ahead of me on the trail, and were the only ones who had apparently been up there since the snow had fallen. I saw no other tracks. I followed in their footsteps. There were places where my legs sunk through the soft snow all the way up to my hips. Here's one of the foot prints that went down a ways:

I passed one of the youngsters on the trail who was having a hard time as he was wearing shorts. Eventually, I caught the dad and other son. At that point I was .1 miles from the top (as the crow flies), and approximately 200 feet in elevation from the top. It had already taken me an hour and fifteen minutes to get to the point I was at, and it looked like it would take at least another half hour to make those final 200 feet--if I could even make it. The angle significantly steepened, the snow looked quite a bit deeper, and the ridge narrowed a lot. I don't have an actual picture of this final approach, and down below, it didn't look that bad. Here's what it looked like from about 400 feet from the top:

This is actually the third time I've gone up Mt. Raymond and have had to stop short of the top. I will plan my next trip carefully to incorporate all possible scenarios (ha!), and will make it to the top. I'm thinking mid-summer and with someone who is wearing shoes with tread. One of the times I turned back was because my son Ben had worn some shoes that had virtually no tread on the bottom of them. There are some pretty hairy rocky ridges that you absolutely need some gripping power on your feet.

It was actually harder coming down in the mushy snow than it had been going up. Not exertion-wise, but footing-wise. When I made it back to the saddle to meet up with Mike, I snarfed down my sandwich and we prepared to go back down the trail. A guy who was with a "Meet Up" group asked us if we were enjoying ourselves. "Always," I said. "I can't come up here with having a great experience."

And it's true. The trip isn't always making it to the top, but it's the adventures that you have and the people you share them with. In that regard, I wouldn't trade my life for the world.

Dream homes...dream lives

One of my dreams is to one day own an old ranch house with a wrap-around porch out in the country somewhere. It would sort of look like this picture from an old Leanin' Tree card:

Yeah, I think it might look exactly like that. Now, the thing is, how to get such a house and the feeling that goes with it. Getting it, and in the right location, would require a bit of cash. Now, I have the capability of earning such cash. All it will take is getting a good novel or two under my belt--novels that take off in the public eye. I'm confidant that I can do that. The question is, do I want it bad enough to do the work it's going to take to get it?

The next question is, how to get the feeling that comes to mind when I look at that Christmas card greeting. That's something that comes from the heart. Something that comes from love. Something that can only come from good friends and family. It depends upon the people that will live in that home. It's only a dream. Something for the future. But like anything else in life, a great home with a great feeling of love doesn't just happen by itself, and the question is, do we want it bad enough that we will do the work it takes to get it?

I will leave your hopes and dreams up to you. As for me, I set out on a great journey years ago. Sometimes life sidetracks us, but that only means that we need to show our mettle by overcoming the sidetracks and still coming through in the end. My journey isn't over until I'm dragged, kicking and screaming into the grave, and even then, I suspect more journeys ahead. Is my goal of owning a vintage ranch house with a wrap-around porch in a small community a good one? Yes, I think so. But better still is the goal of having that feeling of peace and love in my home. It's something we must always work on and is rarely perfect, but in those times when it is, it is magnificent.

I love this quote

I love this quote by Max Lucado, and is it ever true:

“When you are in the final days of your life, what will you want?

Will you hug that college degree in the walnut frame? Will you ask to be carried to the garage so you can sit in your car? Will you find comfort in rereading your financial statement? Of course not. What will matter then will be people. If relationships will matter most then, shouldn't they matter most now?”

Christmas is a time for great food

Food, wonderful food.Usually, around this time of year, we start planning the food for assorted holiday season get-togethers. Christmastime and New Years is the time period when I usually splurge on good food. For example, on Christmas Eve, our tradition is a steak dinner. I bought the steaks (New York) a couple of months ago, and I'd better get them out of the freezer tonight if they're going to thaw in time. I usually marinade them, serve them with baked potatoes, rolls, and some kind of veggies. This year though, instead of the baked potatoes, a couple of wonderful women in our household have decided to prepare au gratin potatoes. That's just great with me.


Sunday night, we're having our family party for Ann and I and our children and grandchildren. It should be great fun, and we've already planned out the menu. We're having sandwiches (with deli meats—roast beef, turkey, and ham), potato salad, pasta salad, chips with guacamole and/or salsa, shrimp, a tray of fresh veggies, and assorted other good things.


Christmas morning has generally been some kind of casserole, but I'll be shaking things up a bit this year. The plan is to make a fabulous cinnamon coffee cake. I'm thinking I'll provide assorted choices to go with it—maybe hot chocolate, orange juice, or milk, and probably some fresh fruit. I may even cook some link sausage. It's already sounding amazing.


If you're going to splurge on food, one of the best times to do so is right around Christmas. It helps build great memories.

Taking some time to remember

As we neared completion on our house renovation, I paused for a moment, remembering. It won't be long now before someone else owns the home that we owned for 27 years, and I'll no longer be able to go inside and think about things. A lot of life was lived in that home. Many many memories came flooding back. I looked up at the chain dangling from the ceiling fan. Still attached to it, was a small piece of tape. Why is this tape here? I wondered. And then it came to me--we used to tape the mistletoe to that chain. I had shared many a smooch with my amazing wife, Ann, under that mistletoe. I gazed at the stairs--there was the place where I had broken down and cried when I was explaining to Rebecca that our cat Ralph had cancer and was going to have to be put to sleep. Looking around that kitchen I remembered fond times when our family made sugar cookies, or when I pulled out the cast iron cookware and made Mountainman breakfast. I thought about my grandchildren coming over and helping me put together some cookies or make scone dough on that counter, and of the kitten we thought we wanted that crawled through a broken part of the baseboard beneath the sink and hid--we had to tear apart the bottom of the cabinet to get it out.

I looked over at our newly remodeled dining area. The new light there and the new floor, the missing table--none of it could dim my memories of the time spent playing board games--Scrabble, Boggle, Clue, Probe and the rest. Or of eating family meals together--ketchup roast, jackpot, to die for blueberry muffins, tacos. Or of Ann and the kids working on art projects together.

The basement brought back memories of writing, guitars, working on the computer, building a bookcase with Ben, cats on the window ledge, and the time when I was lifting weights overhead and felt something on my leg and glanced down to spy a black widow creeping up my bare leg.

I went back up to the main floor and saw the Christmas trees. The piano. The birds in the quakies out the south window, and the magnificent silver maple out front. I saw snowmen in the yard and started whistling Walking in the Air. I envisioned my kids and I playing in the front yard with baseballs and footballs, and playing horse on the driveway.

Further upstairs I looked out the windows for one last time. From the master bedroom, I looked across the church lawn, glad that I could see it, missing the poplars, but not really. I never really liked them anyway. Now, without them I could see my beloved mountains far across the valley. I remembered seeing my fellow church members out there on the lawn for activities---the ward picnic, the stake carnival, young men and young women activities. In the yellow room, I looked down upon the garden, the one that wouldn't grow because of the shade from the poplars, and which now was growing splendidly---the season we leave. It's fitting. I look further and spot Mt. Timpanogos. I've always been thrilled that  I can see "Timp" from my house so far away.

I look over at my good neighbor's, the Robbins, house and think about the good people they are, and think about how blessed we have been to have had them as neighbors since the beginning, and also to have the Earls on the other side of us for many of those years. A lot of good memories flood my mind associated with my friends who also happen to be my neighbors.

Memories. So many memories. They say you can't go home again, and perhaps literally that's true. But good kind people, good memories and good times are the fiber of which life is made. Treasure them all. We can go home again.

Sorry for the Length Between Posts

Well, we had a wedding in May (my son Ben got married), and then in May all of us got sick, especially my wife who ended up in the ICU for 8 days with pneumonia and 11 total days in the hospital beginning June 2nd. So it's been a harried last couple of months and posting to my blog hasn't been tops on my list. I hope to post on a continuous basis now.

One thing I'd like to mention is the best banjo players website. That's banjohangout.org
It's got great tips for the beginner to the experienced banjo player. I'll be posting more later, probably tomorrow. I feel the need to vent.