Fighting our inner battles

Occupying time with God's handiwork can take our minds off of nearly anything.

Do you ever feel lonely even when you're in a crowd--or even when you are around people whom you love and who love you? Nearly everyone has some kind of hidden trials that we don't know about. I guess mine is that feeling of loneliness. I've tried to pinpoint it. I'm a great one for self-analysis. I know that my decision to leave the LDS faith three years ago has left me somewhat isolated from people I love--even those who are closest to me. There are possibly other reasons that I can't identify. I was experiencing loneliness prior to leaving the LDS faith. I think in a way, that's my cross to bear so to speak. My thorn in the flesh. Others have trouble with depression or anger management or any number of things. I think most of us have heard the saying, "Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." (attributed to various people including Plato, but it looks like the original source is Ian Maclaren)
I need to remember that. The truth of it was forcefully put into my mind when I watched the 2017 film Wonder a few days ago. Told from various character's points of view, it shows emphatically how everything isn't always as it appears on the outside, or from one person's vantage point. Each person in that story had their own feelings and reasons for doing things the way they did. In real life it is that way.
I don't know if my feelings of loneliness will ever go away. It is my challenge. I sometimes forget about it when I get intensely interested in something. It happens for long moments as I'm driving and looking at the countryside. I think if I could travel more frequently, get outside with my wife Ann, or some friends and just do something that kept me occupied, then I could keep those feelings at bay for longer periods of time.
And that's likely the same with you who have your own feelings of loneliness, anger, or frustration. The key is to live in the moment and not dwell on what gives you those feelings. It's an involvement of self in things that thrill you, interest you, and enthrall you--occupying the space in your heart and mind where the feelings that make you sad take up room.
I like to think that more focusing on the needs of others helps with that too. I'm sure it helps with the welfare of the human soul. I will keep my wolf howling in the light of the full moon as my background image on my Facebook page. It reflects partially who I truly am. However, I know that my Lord may see fit to remove that image from my heart and mind, in his own timing. Until then, I will ask him to help me deal with it, and I will do as much of what I have found to be a relief of symptoms, even if not an all-out cure.
Just rest assured that we are all fighting a hard battle. Really. My goal is to treat you as if you were, with kindness and love.

Rarin' to go

I sit here at my computer, wanting desperately to be doing something active. I'm dreaming of future hikes, backpacking trips, road trips, visits to places I've never been, and just doing things. My heart longs for the places of openness, for feel of the wind in my face and the rain trickling down my neck, my sodden clothes clinging to my body--for the smell of evergreens and the sound of sprue needles catching the breeze.
I long to be skiing, driving on dirt roads, taking pictures of mountains.
I want to be out in the garden feeling the warmth of the soil in my fingers, and the sun on my back. The call to adventure and life is ever strong. And now I face such adventure in the need to care for another. It isn't as thrilling as scaling a peak, or watching a river cascade down through the rocks, and my dream has never been to be stuck at home caring for someone. But right now, it is the thing I must do. And I have decided that I may as well be happy about it rather than sad.
I am happy and grateful that I still have a wife. She could have died a few times already. I am happy and grateful that God has blessed me with good health and a strong body, so I can be up to the task. I am happy and grateful that I was born with an optimistic spirit, that I always believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and that my will to survive and win is as strong as ever.
This won't be the last adventure I face. I'm hoping that most of them are a bit more exciting and thrilling. I'm hoping that this one ends happily. Most of all, I'm hoping that through all of life's adventures that I always remember God is the one in control.

Circling the wagons: learning to prioritize as a caregiver

I've been a caregiver for several years now for my wife Ann. Just recently though, over the past few weeks, she has been basically bedridden. She has a desk chair which she keeps next to her recliner, so whenever she needs to use the bathroom, she stands up, turns around, and sits on the chair. Then she scoots it down the hall to the bathroom, where she stands up, walks two or three feet to the toilet and sits down. Then the whole process is repeated in reverse. Part of her challenge is a loss of stability on her feet. She is scared to do more because of it.
All of this has required me to do a lot of extra work. Before, she'd be folding laundry, doing some dishes, getting a lot of her own lunches and breakfasts, getting her own water when needed. Now, prior to leaving for work, I need to make sure she has extra underwear in the bathroom, bath towels stacked on the couch next to where she sits in her recliner, lunch in a small cooler, her water glass filled, and breakfast. Often when she used the bathoom, she needs my help, and when she gets brave enough to take showers (lately it has been once a week), she depends on me to help hold her up in the tub.
The time demand on me is huge. When in the past I was able to get out of the house for several hours every couple of weeks for much needed breaks, now I find myself chained to the house when I'm not at my job. I'm not complaining, just stating facts.
I've found that there are ways to deal with the extra load. I call it "circling the wagons" after the wagon train companies in the pioneer days who, when under attack, put their wagons in a circle and fought off their attackers from a less vulnerable position. To me, circling the wagons means reducing the things that need to be done to what needs to be done for survival.
The first thing on my list is my own health. If I go down, who is going to care for Ann? However, there were a few weeks there when even going to the gym was nearly impossible and it was beginning to take its toll on my health. Thankfully, for the past two weeks, I've been able to get to the gym three times each week, which is my bare minimum. During the time that I was relegated to one time per week to the gym, I did what I could to "circle the wagons" even further and I recognized that even if I couldn't make it to the gym, that didn't mean I had to stop eating healthy foods. I made it a point to keep eating my smoothies, or something else almost as healthy, such as oatmeal with blueberries, bananas, and Greek yogurt added each day. I have tried to avoid resorting to quick fixes like donuts or candy.
My own mental health is also a concern. Everyone who has been or is a caregiver, needs the occasional out. Skiing, hiking, a drive up the canyon, a picnic--anything to get away from a little of the stress. I've already had to cancel one ski trip for which I had already paid. During this extra stressful period, even going to church has been a luxury and I hadn't been able to go for weeks until last Sunday. It was such a relief to be able to go. I would like to be able to get to my discipleship group and associate with my friends there. In the old days, when the wagon trains were under attack, it became pretty stressful. They had to fight hard to survive and there was little reprieve until the attackers were defeated enough that they went away. Sometimes they came back, and sometimes they didn't. Honestly, I don't know what they did about the stress and the adrenaline rush they were having at the time. Probably just fought until it was over.
One thing I remember about the circled wagons was that it was always such a relief when the cavalry showed up. I'm still waiting for my personal cavalry.
Other ways I've found to circle the wagons have been to not fold the clothes. I hang the ones that need hanging, and fold the ones that need folding, but the ones that can go without folding, just go into the drawers unfolded, or stay in the baskets until needed. The floors are getting swept less often and the sinks, tub, and toilets are getting scrubbed less frequently. I am trying to make dinners that have leftovers.
And slowly, Ann is venturing with a few extra tentative steps. I caught her walking down the hall the other night, instead of rolling. Slow, and using a cane, she staggered along and made it back to the chair. I encourage her to do this, but sometimes it's just hard for her to take my advice.
Her rheumatologist has said that he doesn't want to provide any in-home physical therapy until after he sees her next (although he thinks it's a good idea), yet she's afraid to have to walk too far, like getting into a car, or a wheel chair, in order to make it in to see him. Her appointment is on the 23rd.
She has decided that she's not going to get the weight-reduction surgery. I personally think she's making a mistake in not seriously contemplating it, considering the amount of extra stress her weight is putting on her joints and lungs. But that's part of the battle too.

Toenails: Reminding me of an excellent adventure

This past Labor Day, early in September, my brother Mike and I went on a hike up Lone Peak. The trail is very steep and as we came down, my toes were jammed into the front of my hiking shoes. Three of my toenails, on my left foot only, turned black underneath. Now, almost three months later, two of them still are black.

I wonder how long this lasts. I'm thinking I may need to do some research as to how I can keep this phenomenon from happening. On the other hand, it makes my foot a little more interesting. I won't let anyone paint my toenails later on so that I can keep up this image, but like scars, it reminds me of battles fought and won. It reminds me that I did something very challenging this past summer and that I have something to talk about. My toenails may not always be this color, but I'll remember that they once were and how they got that way for a good long time.

Adventure

A few days ago, I ate lunch at the Szechuan Express in Taylorsville. I ordered the garlic chicken and it was very good. I had driven past it many times and never eaten there in all of those years. The fortune in the fortune cookie said it all: “Adventure can be real happiness.”

I'm always up for an adventure. Adventures don't always turn out happy, but they are always interesting. Sometimes adventures are challenging. They tax us to our limits—mold our character, build our courage, and turn us into someone who is just a little bit different than we were before we embarked on the journey.

Adventure is part of life. There are two major ways we can approach adventure. The first is to try to have as little of it as possible. Sit down, don't move, never follow any urges or promptings, never do anything fun because it could possibly end in adventurous disaster.

The second approach is the way I prefer. And that's to embrace adventure with confidence and with curiosity. The great explorers all had this way about them. Accomplishment follows in the wake of this approach. Disaster can loom as well, but great adventurers learn to cope with disaster or die in the attempt.

I think of life as an adventure and always have. Though there are perils involved in life's adventures, those who learn to embrace them also open themselves up for a great deal of happiness. Like the fortune cookie said, “Adventure can be real happiness.” It can, and my take is that without it, you never truly find the happiness you seek. Embrace it.

I'm feeling a bit sucky today

Some days, you just don't feel all that great. It can be a physical thing, or it can be something emotional or mental. Sometimes you can't even do anything about it. Like now. For me.

We all feel down sometimes. And we all need to know how to climb back up. I know. You've felt down before too. Maybe you're even feeling so now. So, now, how to climb back up. That's the million dollar question and there often aren't easy answers.

Here's my suggestion. Grab your life by the scruff of the neck and make it do what you want it to do. That's it. Be proactive. Don't wait. Do something. Maybe knocking yourself off dead-center is what you need to do in order to get out of the blues.

It's what I need. Or at least, part of what I need. The other part lies down the road, and only time will cure that part.

Until then, I (and you) need to make the best of what God has given us. We all do. It's those who can do so who end up living happy lives filled with great things. And that's what I want.